Carnie Brat

This is the time of year I used to love most. The time of year when mystery used to begin again. See I grew up on a Carnival. It started again each year on Good Friday Weekend. The place I kept returning to was the place so many dreamed of running away to. I used to believe the ever changing faces were a source of security, that even if they didn't know who I was they would keep me safe.
I believed in them.
It was the one place I ever felt I belonged.
Old before my years: they'd ask me for advice, expect me to have the answers.
Whether it was midnight drug runs or day time health scares. It all meant the world to me.
My Mom used to work the pony rides, then the fried dough. Later my Aunt retired and my mom started working in the cotton candy trailer for my Aunts business partners (rivals). My mother talked trash about them for years up until they had a job she wanted.
My perilous youth taught me not to get too attached. My perilous youth made me so much more trusting than your average girl. I'd met the dregs of society, and they'd always been kind to me.
My rebellion was getting an education.
My rebellion was starting a family of my own.
My rebellion was refusing to be ashamed.
But I miss looking forward to all the new people.
I miss knowing that each year would be completely different.
Even if I was always embarrassed that no one would recognize me.
That they would all have to learn again that I expected them to take care of me.
Then the day came when they started to ask if I wanted in on their midnight drug runs.
They started explaining how little I had to lose.
and I saw that they were right.

and I never went back.
because I couldn't become that.
Even if it did seem like decent money ($250/wk was a lot to me, it might still be)
I couldn't give up all I could be.
I may have been born into a life that so many run away to.
Running away for me, was running to.
Carnie Brat is what they called me, what I wish I still was. I loved the life but not the life style.
I'm afraid I'll always be caught somewhere in between.