Edie Warhol

One night
just after we first got together
I almost joined a cult

Walking through Chelsea
after Krispy Kremes and Dominoes
we met a girl from a commune in Virginia

If you hadn't been with me
I would have left with her

Even if I had to fuck everyone there
Even if I hadn't wanted to
Just to belong

Even then I knew
My degree wasn't the way for me

and I haven't chosen another road.

I never picked a direction.

I wish I was charismatic enough to found a movement
so I'd never have to do a thing
and still claim all the credit.

I'd have run away with Jim Jones or Charles Manson
played patsy to the Zodiac
all to know the world kept changing
to claim my place in it.

Freshman Year
I should have taken the Grayhound I dreamed of
some where, any where
South

though I can't imagine ever crossing the Mason Dixon on purpose

I don't know what my life might have been
but I sure know what it isn't.

invisible wednesday

So there are nights where I beg strangers to be a friend to me
When I'm not quite sure I really exist
where I beg and plead
for a moment of your spare time

It used to be
I refused to let you pass me by
I'd shove myself into your consciousness
force you to be aware.

Not quite up to being that asshole anymore
I've lost my purple hair
most of my piercings
and some of my attitude

I don't know when I agreed to disappear though

I haven't changed the world
haven't even managed to squeeze out a couple of kids
I don't actually want them
but

I'm rude
and loud
and not as fickle a drunk as you'd wish I'd be

I'm just a tick tock girl
with a clockwork heart
and I don't want to be so lonely anymore

but he's too tired to fuck
and I'm watching TV
and drinking alone.

making plans with people who don't really want to see me.

Children of Summer

I still believe in grass roots action
I still believe in the butterfly effect

I still believe a single person can make a difference
and that their world is worth living in

I know they've earned bad names
that one man really can't save it all

but I want each one to remember that
we're not so different after all

each one just wants to be safe
to go home
good dinner on the plate

no one wants to die alone
even if they don't want children
don't expect lives theirs to own

grad school waits
and the bills build up

there's only so many years left to save the world
against the grain
I claim I could make a difference
I remember
when it was the one thing I couldn't do

and I'm not living in a trailer
haven't had my life stolen in ages

I found you
on the internet
and I wondered where the time went
when we were sisters
when we were witches
when we could still make things happen

the time when magic reigned
the first time I realized other people could afford to eat in sit down restaurants.

the first thing I stole was an accident
I was always afraid of disappointing you
and I was nothing more than an inconvenience.

Silence.

Drunk,
Remembering Tony Sly
Wishing I had been able to see his set on that warped tour so many years ago
because it's never going to happen again.
all the things I've missed
because the timing wasn't just right.

I should learn to over extend myself
should learn to try again
but when I have, it really wasn't all that great
it hasn't mattered all that much

and I feel so much closer to him
when he's asleep
and I know he doesn't mind me
and I haven't been annoying
yet today

I wish I could make it better
I wish I could make it matter
I wish I had a Nobel to rub your face in

but I remember the days when I swore every song was about you
and there was nothing I could do
I couldn't wait for tomorrow but
tomorrow's never all that we thought it would

and not everyone's still friends with their 7th grade softball team
and not everyone believes they'll find a better place

if only I knew it would've all wound up here
if only I had known.

Asphyxia

Breathing
against my will
hoping
for another tomorrow
which might be different
it could be still, couldn't it
couldn't it be silent?

I love the way I make my capital J's
because it's how I start your name

and I want nothing more
than to make the life I dream of
and to have you dream of it with me.

For my Art Nouveau self to mesh with your modernism

for open spaces and French revivalism
to blend in beautiful ways.

For Brooklyn and the suburbs
to begin to matter
for the collective and objectivism

For Nero Wolfe
and prestige

for everything that has ever mattered.

beauty and the obscene.

Original world.

So I'm half convinced I've died a thousand times.
every time you get nervous about the spiked fence on the church next door,
slip on the ice and get it through the eye.
but it's the infection which kills you.
you have to rip yourself free.
takes more courage than I own.

every time you think your headache might be a stroke.
it is.
it was just in another life.
I've died so many times and done nothing for it.
so many funerals I've never bothered to plan.
I want to know what those worlds look like.

so many worlds I'll never see.

what makes this one so special
that it's the one I spend the most time in?
what makes this my primary?
is it my crime scene? the source of my vindication?
or somewhere in between?

Infinite jest

i 've wanted to think alot of myself lately
I've wanted to know I did a good job
that my degrees have been worth it

So in my Confession I would like to admit that I have recently begun
to read
              Infinite Jest  
I know that it should be a secret.
Taking literature seriously is always a joke
always the nerd
always the easy way out
always the one who doesn't understand.


I Like Books.

I would Rather read the Brother Karamazov
              than the coldest girl in cold town
it wasn't that good. rather than better than narration.

It was a good story with terrible narration but that would be backwards.

I still think it matters
            which books you have read
             which albums you have listened to
I still want to remember you from the day in the park

My first lesbian
and my first loss
so distant but that first year
it seemed like the same

it's all I have to give to you.