Rebellion

I know it's strange that the only place I've ever really felt safe is the place other people go to get conned. I'd make friends everywhere we set up and then I'd be accused of cheating. I was always the one so easy to believe was giving away prizes. It was easier to call me a cheat than to accept that I might just be more. That one day I might make a difference. There were a few who saw it as a business,  as a retirement choice. No matter how many books I've read or how few of the people who lasted I learned to rely on. I thought I could learn to understand. I know how few had graduated from High School. I always felt at home. Well,with most of them. Some are the genuine dregs of the world. No matter how regular they might seem.

This might be the truth.

I've been lying for so long I don't know what the truth is. I've expected so much, disappointment is my natural state. I've been waiting for more for so long I don't know how to make it. I thought it would be better by now. I don't understand how it could possibly be me. And yet, this is my life, and I'm the one who hasn't made it more. I order pants online so the shop keepers don't have to look at me. I claim to be a writer who hasn't set pen to paper in months.
I thought I could inspire you but all I've done is dissuade.
My reflection is a stranger. I wish nothing was true so hard I'm no longer sure what is.
If only I could believe I was real and that all of this still mattered.
If only I thought it could make a difference.
If only I believed.
If only the few good people I knew would stop dropping dead.
it's been a harder day than usual for me.
and I don't know what that means.
because I don't know who I'm supposed to be.

I'm 26 and I've been told it's impossible to be a failure before 35.
I'm still not sure if that's true.
I'm waiting for something amazing to happen.
It's never occurred to me to make it so.