Sunday

Nothing I plan works out.
I took the night off to watch Breaking Bad and my Boyfriend ended up in the ER and not because I'm so amazing in bed.
My vag gave him pink eye and neither of us have had it so we didn't know what was wrong.
I've drank more than I should. two bottles of wine and three shots of vodka.
I just bought the new Thomas Pynchon novel, and even though I love him I'm more concerned with my hipster cred.
I think my life might be over soon, even though my cab driver asked me if I was 19 the other day.
I still want to make something of myself.
even if it's impossible.
I still want to be remembered.
I still want to keep you up at night.
and make you wonder.
leave you quaking.the last vestiges of making a difference
will be stained like blackberries on the wall.

marry him...

If you ever meet someone who could pass as your best friend but you still want to fuck them, marry them.
If you meet someone who can laugh at your every day neuroticisms but totally has patience with random things that make you crazy, marry them.
The one who understands the love you have for Sherlock Holmes and how Joseph Heller deserves to be known for more than just Catch 22.  But doesn't laugh when you watch an entire season of Dr. Who in one go even though you hate sci fi, because he knows you really want to love this show. marry him.
if he'll let you.
The one you somewhat voluntarily if grudgingly make grilled cheese sandwiches for at 2am.
the one who brings you surprise vodka and cheese burgers.
the one who listens to you whine about the stupid job you don't want.
The one who wishes he could give you your dreams even if he ignores your everyday requests.
marry him.

the only one you know who accepts that you don't want kids.
the only one whose never tried to change your mind.

even if he's lazy and unmotivated.
even if he refuses to admit he loves you more than once a month.
even if you sometimes think if you had never met your life would be better,
this is what it is now
marry him.

Whispers from the Library

Yea it's been a while, but that's what happens when your live in/unemployed boyfriend is always home with you.

First this week was My First Murder (The Maria Kallio Series #1) by Leena Lehtolainen
     First I want to say that this series is HUGE in Finland. It has been turned in to a TV series and is a best seller. I am of Finish heritage and was glad to be able to read this in English. I don't believe it is a fault of the translator that this story falls a bit flat. Though it is well written, it just isn't an American Crime story. I know that's awfully xenophobic of me, but as a girl raised on CSI, Sherlock Holmes and Agatha Christie I must say this story is pretty boring. The story is just TOO real. This is literally what I think cops do all day, and I certainly don't want to read about it in my free time. If you don't mind reading the same interviews over and over, by all means give it a shot. I however will pass on the rest.

Second this week was Flimsy Little Plastic Miracles by Ron Currie Jr.
       Each page is a short little essay. Some pages are no longer than a sentence or two. I loved the existential angle. It is literally about love and loss and what it means to be alive/human. Absolutely worth a read, even if it takes a little bit to get used to the format. If you don't love it by page 34 there is something broken inside you.

Third this week is Where There's a Will.....There's a Murder (Maggie Flaherty #1) by Julie Ramson.
      Another hapless female -this one a recently fired attorney-with a complete lack of common sense. Maggie's brother is a Homicide Detective and Maggie decides she should turn her attention toward investigation. It is an interesting story with a couple of continuity errors (disappearing dog)  the most grating thing is the terribly immature and unnatural dialogue. With!! So!! Many!!!!! Exclamation Points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is supposed to be a comedic mystery, but what I remember most is the love affair that feels more like a sexual assault.
The exposition is well written and I will try again. I really want to like this.
Very Janet Evanovitch without the talent.

Inertia.

In the last 10 years I've done nothing. Still living in my Grandmothers house, still working the same job (now with more hours), still fucking the same guy....I've finally realized how easy it is to let life, your only life, simply pass by. To live your life as a spectator and just simply let it happen to you instead of acting. I never intended this.
I was always the girl with the plan, the one who was going to make things happen and change the fucking world.
This obviously hasn't happened.

My question is why?
     Where did my fight go?
Did I choose to give up and just not realize it?
NO.
What happened was life
Life let me down.
the economy let me down.
My sense of duty let me down.
I allowed myself to be made into less because it was simpler than being more.
Because the things I thought were worth fighting for were not discerned as holding value.
The things I wanted were ephemeral and huge; all the while forgetting all the little shitty things that we modern humans are expected to be concerned about.
The bills and the romances and the family ties I refuse to cut.
They turned the wonder into the mundane and I hate them for it.

I'm dangerously close to thirty and I won't risk turning fifty without having something to show for it.