Infinite jest

i 've wanted to think alot of myself lately
I've wanted to know I did a good job
that my degrees have been worth it

So in my Confession I would like to admit that I have recently begun
to read
              Infinite Jest  
I know that it should be a secret.
Taking literature seriously is always a joke
always the nerd
always the easy way out
always the one who doesn't understand.


I Like Books.

I would Rather read the Brother Karamazov
              than the coldest girl in cold town
it wasn't that good. rather than better than narration.

It was a good story with terrible narration but that would be backwards.

I still think it matters
            which books you have read
             which albums you have listened to
I still want to remember you from the day in the park

My first lesbian
and my first loss
so distant but that first year
it seemed like the same

it's all I have to give to you.

composure

I want to fight.
I want to make something worth your time.
and I thought I could make the difference.
and I thought I could be the obedient one.
I thought I could do what you told me.
           If only you told me the truth at heart
           if only you said it didn't matter
           if only you warned me that
                  it wouldn't always be the same
         

I want to punch you in the face
                I want to be the one who is worth it
I want to make the difference
                 I want to be the change which you can't take back.

I want to be the one that matters
the one you're afraid to tell your mom about

I want to make your cycle shatter
and make it worth all you offered

I will take all you are and ask for more

I will boil my rights for one physical copy
for proof alone
I will beg you

and we each are left with nothing
and we each will claim it is enough

Equilibrium

I have broken every promise I have ever made.
and I'm fine with that.
I have made people feel like less and encouraged self destruction in others as well as in myself.
For ages I thought that the most important thing about a person was what books they read and whether or not they wasted their time.
They had to be Political, they had to be militant vegetarians and want nothing more that outright communism.
I couldn't understand why Adults were so fucking soft.

But it's hard.
It's so fucking hard to care about things.
To have your heart ripped out multiple times a day.
Trying is like laying your capillaries out along the roadside and begging someone to notice that you're not quite bleeding.

but you're so damn close.

Begging on hands and knees with broken voices and panting breaths for something in all this chaos to be WORTH IT.

for all the pain and effort and studying to mean what you think you are.

to find an equilibrium between what you want to be and what you hope you are.
but not what you have any evidence of.

because I'm dumb
I'm terrible at math and science.
I have a short attention span.
once upon a time i believed my professor when she said I had a unique command of the English language.
I haven't accomplished a single thing since.